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Giggles

by Dave Gibb

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1.
The Pensioners’ Do 2005 Dave Gibb MCPS/PRS The air inside the village hall was smelling nice and clean With a whiff of Vim and Harpic and a tinge on Windowlene The floor was swept, the windows washed – it was looking nice and new All ready for the pensioners and their annual Christmas do The table lined along the walls were formed into a square And it must be said the look of it had a festive, yuletide air There were angels, stars and cherubim pinned along the walls And hanging decorations made of quilted toilet rolls One by one they all arrived and settled in their place Making pleasant small talk as they waited to say grace They talked about the weather and were desperate to hear All about the operations each had suffered since last year The Brownies brought them bowls of broth in fancy patterned plates And they got stuck in with their pinkies out in a sophisticated way But one old guy who, I have to say, was terribly uncouth Quickly slipped his false teeth out and started slurping soup Now one old dear who had noticed this said – In the name of god Will you take that spoon out of your face and put your teeth back in your gob But the old guy just looked puzzled and said – If there’s one thing I hate It’s bits of beef and lentil getting stuck beneath my plate And a bald wee guy sitting next to him with a fancy hearing aid Said – Is that yon moaning woman on the bloody moan again? She’s always giving someone grief ‘cause she’s crabbit right enough Don’t take any of her nonsense man, just tell her to shut up Well the woman’s hubby took offence at this insulting slight Although he didn’t disagree too much, well he knew what he was like But he knew he must defend his wife against such common scum So he threw a buttered bread roll at the guy with the shiny gums His aim had never been too good it really must be said And the bread roll missed the gumsy guy and hit a granny’s head instead It went bouncing off her silver hair and she shouted – What the Heck! If it wasn’t for this catheter I’d come and wring your neck Well one thing lead to another and before too very long I suppose you’d have to say there was a riot going on Brownies huddled in the corner wondering how they would survive When whistles blew and the door flew in ‘cause the police had arrived The chief inspector shouted out – All right then that’ll do We’ve got better ways to spend our time than deal with the likes of you I’m going to take you to the station and I’m going to lock you up If you post-menopausal yobbos do not sit down and shut up Oh get it up ye – one wee woman shouted from the back We’ll not have some young whippersnapper talk to us like that The chief inspector huffed and puffed and said – Ain’t that just fine One more word I’ll shove this baton where the sun will never shine Well that just kicked it off again worse than it was before Grannies swinging from the wall bars, police squirming on the floor But one by one the police dragged them out into the night And the Brownies looked around them at the remnants of the fight There were broken cups and saucers lying all around the floor Zimmer frames and walking sticks and hearing aids galore False teeth by the dozen and a glass eye by the door And someone’s blood and guts festooned the wall At the Christmas do for pensioners in the local village hall Well things have quietened down again; they’re all friends now one and all And they’ve pretty much forgotten about the rumpus in the hall But one thing they still talk about – that to this day makes them wince It’s that the chief inspector’s baton hasn’t been seen since
2.
The Male Menopausal Blues 2000 Dave Gibb MCPS/PRS I can’t do what I could do yesterday Though I want to just as much I have to say The desire is just as strong but the ability’s all gone Like a rat it jumped the ship and swam away This body used to treat me like a friend Now it droops and sags and groans and willnae bend And when it does it willnae straighten without the organs palpitating Decrepitude must just be round the bend Now I’m wearing tartan slippers instead of platform shoes I’ve got these old male menopausal blues This mind and body used to be a team Working well together – like a dream And I know it sounds absurd but they’ve obviously had words They’ve started working independently it seems For the mind is thinking candlelit romance And the body says – forget it pal no chance There’s no point in you complaining I won’t rise to your occasion I’m downing tools, I’m going on strike, I’ve left the dance I pull my pants up to my armpits so they keep my chest warm too I’ve got these old male menopausal blues Well you look at me and you think – he’s not that old But I’ve started taking flushes – hot and cold And my chest muscles hurt a lot, they’ve started bouncing when I walk It’s all down hill from here or so I’m told Now when I go to get my hair cut they cut my nose hairs too I’ve got these old male menopausal blues Now I must include the prostate in this song Because eventually it’s going to go wrong Is it the fate of every man to sit for hours on the pan? And drip the night away from dust till dawn I’ve started wearing cardigans and Fairisle tank-tops too I’ve got these old male menopausal blues I’m using Ralgex for deodorant so I’ve nothing left to lose I’ve got these old male menopausal blues
3.
White Men Can’t Dance 2004 Dave Gibb MCPS/PRS You’ve numbed your bum and you watched the couple who Plighted their troth for better or for worse You stood at the hotel and you wished the wee souls well As the naively stepped out of the wedding hearse You gobbled down the food that was really rather good And you didn’t dribble drink all down your front But you know that you are heading for the moment you’ve been dreading Cause the band’s arrived and the dancing has begun You’re sitting at the table wondering how you will be able To avoid the looks your wife is wont to through But no matter how you try you’re going to have to catch her eye So you sigh and shrug and say – All right let’s go You know there never was a chance you could avoid this bloody dance You’re just going to have to jive and that is that But it is very well you know that when you step on to that floor And you start to move you’ll look just like a twat White men only look balletic when they’re pissed or paralytic It’s just the way the good lord had us made It may be that it’s genetic or just sad and quite pathetic But you really must believe me when I say White men cannot dance – No bloody way The posers jiving in the corner trying to look like John Travolta With their swivel hips and their fancy flying feet OK they look like fools but they’re the exception to the rule At least their feet are flying to the beat But over here among the squares who are devoid of dancing flair And whose feet are trained to never move with grace The only flying thing’s the sweat that’s pouring of your chin As you try to keep that smile fixed to your face At last the song comes to an end and you remember once again What it takes to lift your feet and make them move It really is astounding as you’re almost damned near bounding Off the dance floor back towards your seat and booze The embarrassment dies down, no one’s looking at you now As you pretend that it was really all OK You can sit now and relax and let the sweat pour down you back Until she starts to draw you daggers once again White men only look balletic…… Well what more can I say White men are not designed that way To express ones self in the language of the dance We can’t bend or groove or flow, we’ve got no rhythm in our soul We’d gladly sit and watch if given half a chance But we self-consciously gyrate standing tall and stiff and straight You’d think that someone shoved a poker up our bum Every single muscle’s clenched and every sinew’s tight and tense In an attempt to make her think we’re having fun White men only look balletic……
4.
Numpty Song 2002 Dave Gibb MCPS/PRS She gives a wee shudder as sleep fades away And awareness creeps into her head She remembers going out to get plastered last night But forgets how she got to her bed She snuggles the duvet and turns herself round Then snaps wide awake in alarm Sticking out of the covers with its mouth open wide Is the head of a strange looking man His eyes a glued shut with some mattery stuff Where he’s dribbled the pillow is wet His top lip has somehow got stuck to his teeth And he fills up the room with stale breath He doesn’t quite snore but as I mentioned before He sleeps with his mouth open wide She could happily pass a wee hour or two Counting the fillings inside Oh no never no more I won’t go out drinking again Some numpty takes over my body it seems Whenever I’m out of my head He gives a wee grunt and a groan and a snore As he prises his eyelids apart And his tongue tries to lift his top lip from his teeth As he waits for the brainwaves to start He remembers the dancing, the noise and the booze But he can’t quite remember much more Then he looks at the ceiling – thinks – this ceiling’s pink Gone yersell ya wee beauty I’ve scored He turns himself round to look at his prize He can’t quite believe what he sees He stares into a pair of mascara-smudged eyes Man, she looks like a panda on speed The lipstick and powders and paint have been smudged All over her face and her gob And the overall look is of a painting once done By a very stoned Vincent van Gough Oh no never no more…… She pulls herself up, puts her head in her hands And says – My god I must have been pissed To let you come in here to spend the whole night And all for ten minutes of bliss Oh wait a wee minute, come off it – he says What you’re saying is not very nice And what do you mean by ten minutes of bliss Didn’t think I could manage it twice Aye right sonny boy – she says -that’s what you wish But you’ve got to say that I suppose Well I hate to deflate your wee ego but I’ve had more fun picking oose out my toes And anyway if I remember things right And I’m pretty sure that I do It’s your turn to make us the breakfast in bed And get the kids ready for school Oh no never no more……
5.
One More Cigarette 2003 Dave Gibb MCPS/PRS I opened up the packet that holds twenty sticks of bliss And delicately placed the cigarette between my lips I lit it; settled back and let my lungs fill up with smoke And all the pleasure points inside my head went into overload All the things I’d been concerned about just slowly slipped away As the nicotine destroyed the cares and worries if the day I held my breath a moment then I slowly let it go And all the thoughts that nipped my nut pour out my nostrils with the smoke Oh just one more cigarette My brain thought its in heaven as I took another breath But then I felt a rumble starting in the middle of my chest It was slowly climbing upwards till it lodged inside my throat Then doesn’t travel any further and that’s when I start to choke I tried to breath but couldnae, I was trying hard to speak But the only sound I made was a pathetic muffled squeak Still this stuff’s inside my gullet I was trying to cough out I end up flapping on the carpet like a newly landed trout Then flying out my gob came this big massive lump of tar It could take the turret off a Panzer tank at forty-seven yards I was lying gasping on the carpet really feeling rubber ducked That’s when I came to the decision – these fags are getting chucked Oh just one more cigarette So I was wapping on the patches everywhere that I have skin Then I’d have a cigarette until the nicotine kicked in The cravings and anxieties were really hitting hard And every fibre of my being screamed – come on da geeza fag I was chewing on the curtains, I was screaming at the weans I was biting heads of kittens it was driving me insane I was gnawing on my toenails, I was spitting out the bits I was swearing at the neighbours who were getting on my tits nerves Oh just one more cigarette Well I think I’ve done quite well to go this long without a smoke I’ve given up forever now – at least that’s what I hope I’ve stopped so many times before but I’ll make it stick this time Its been twenty seven minute now and I think I’m doing fine How the nicotine would hit my brain I still remember yet And the way the smoke would fill my lungs I really won’t forget To be a slave to cigarettes is something I won’t miss I think I’ll have one to remind me just how stupid smoking is Oh just one more cigarette Oh just one more cigarette
6.
The Night of the Fiery Mitts at The Wanlockhead Inn 2005 Dave Gibb MCPS/PRS N.B. A Slippery Nipple is a cocktail of Sambuca and Bailies. It is very nice It was four o’clock in the morning when I came to on the floor Wondering how on earth I’d got there – what I’d done the night before I was lying in the kitchen in that shivery-drunken state So I peeled my cheek off the lino and tried to sit up straight Once my head stopped spinning and the heavy breathing stopped I uncrossed my eyes and tried my best to focus on the wall Then this blinding light exploded and she was towering o’er my head And with a look that dripped disgust her eyes said all that needed said I was not a very pretty sight I really must admit Saliva caked my cheek and dribbles dripping from my lip My shirt was stained with alcohol and “stuff” stuck to my clothes The remnants of some fresh regurgitation I suppose I thought - I’ll get some pity with a made up tale of woe But when I put my brain in gear I found my mouth refused to go It was an incoherent ramble cause the words just weren’t there But she just said –Shut up and tell me why you smell of burning hair I thought – Oh no – but I said – Ah yes - as I had become aware Of a rather pungent singey smell pollute the kitchen air And the smell brought back the memory, or what was left of it, Of Moffat’s Slippery Nipples and the night of the fiery mitts There was a nice wee crowd for a Sunday night – a civilised soiree James the barman poured the booze - we were quiet and well behaved But also there, perched at the bar in his understated way Was a Moffat sitting smiling - mischief pouring from his face He said –I’ve found a drink you’ll like - have a go at one of these Its Sambuca topped with Baileys, it slips down your throat a treat And as you’re off tomorrow Gibb here’s a chance you cannot miss In fact line up those Slippery Nipples James – we’re going to get him pished Aye and pished I got believe me I could hardly say my name A drink called Cheeky Vimto? – It got hammered just the same We were talking drunken drivel – which of course we thought was wit And then occurred the incident that led to the fiery mitts A Slippery Nipple’s wonderful it really must be said But when James ran out of Baileys it was Sambuca straight instead I was far to drunk to notice but even so it seemed all right But no one ever said they set the bloody stuff alight I grabbed the glass to down it in a oner like a man Unaware that I was holding an inferno in my hand And as I turned around to answer someone calling out my name Some fire jumped out the glass and Whoosh! My hand went up in flames I shrieked and moved the glass of flame from my left hand to my right And to dowse my fiery burning mitt I flapped the air in fright But this just shook my other hand – and you’ve guessed it I can tell Some stuff spilled from the glass and my right hand went up as well Quick as a flash I placed the glass of hellfire on the bar And I stood and stared at my burning mitts – well you know how slow drunks are A thought came slowly to me – Why are your hands now spouting flame Followed quickly by – Its only cause you’re drunk you feel no pain Panic – said another thought – and get these flames put out So I raised my arms in the air and started flapping them about With my burning hands above my head I was shrieking in alarm Like a blazing ballerina without the grace, or style or charm Well the flames went out and my hands came down I was glad to be alive But my hands were bald up to wrist not a follicle survived My mitts were like a burned out stretch of wasteland – warm and bare Where wisps of smoke rose silently from blackened crispy hair Well it all goes blank from there on in – I remember nothing more Until I woke up in the morning with my face stuck to the floor With my peach-pip standing over me awaiting my reply I’d better tell the truth I thought so I gave up trying to lie I went to the pub for one wee drink I grovelled through the pain But I met a big bad man down there and he led poor me astray It seems that I got pished, dear heart, and my hands were all aflame But it wasn’t me it was Moffat’s slippery nipples you’ve to blame
7.
A Gypsy Called Davy 2003 Dave Gibb MCPS/PRS A gypsy called Davy went walking one day Not far from his dad’s caravan A lusty pubescent he’d just reached that stage Somewhere between boy and man He walked through the trees and the bluebells and thought Of the glorious wonders of spring And a soft-scented breeze wafted down from the trees And ruffled the fluff on his chin – I say Ruffled the fluff on his chin Now little did he know he wasn’t alone Because also out walking that day Was a wee village maiden with dyed yellow hair Either that or she dyed her roots grey And when I say maiden I use the term loosely She was quite fancy-free for the times And she didn’t set snares for rabbits or hares It was young bucks she had on her mind – I say Young bucks she had on her mind She glimpses a shadow - she hears a twig break So she pricks up her ears to make sure She hears someone approach – she gets down on her knees A position she’s been in before And as he gets closes she huddles down lower And gets herself ready and set When he’s in range she leaps out at her prey Like a lion at a wildebeest’s neck – I say A lion at a wildebeest’s neck Nine months down the line and she’s flat on her back Trying to get this wee baby to shift She’s puffing and panting and pushing and swearing Ah! The glorious wonders of birth She claims that a gypsy, a soldier, a sailor A lord or some other male swine Took advantage of her naive ways And copped more than a bunch of her thyme – I say Copped more than a bunch of her thyme So if you’re out walking alone in the woods And you spy a wee maid with dyed hair Forget about fun boy – you just turn and run As fast as you can out of there I’ve heard that these woods are infested with maidens Who’ll set upon all the can get Well I’ve walked these woods now for twenty five years And I haven’t been set upon yet – I say I haven’t been set upon yet
8.
A Drone’s Life 2005 Dave Gibb MCPS/PRS He wrote a song about the well bred-bees of Wanlockhead But he never thought about us poor wee drones He spends time penning lines about the women of the hive Precocious wee princesses every one With their fancy Gucci handbags and tiaras on their head Their makeup, perms and freshly painted wings As daughter of a queen each thinks the sun shines out its bum And it might if it wasn’t for the sting While they’re out in the sunshine buzzing round the place all day Enjoying all the nice clean air and getting tanned They keep us locked inside with just our booze and cigarettes Watching telly with our doofers in our hand Well there’s nothing much to do if you’re a drone inside a hive The way they keep us in our place - it never fails ‘Cause there are very few of us and there are millions of them This is a sisterhood and these sisters don’t like males So you very quickly learn to keep your feelers to yourself And don’t ever try to look them in the eye Don’t ever buzz your wings at them or whistle at their stings Or you can wave your wee bee droney bits goodbye You wonder why they keep us – it’s not for our repartee We’re just sperm donors with a buzz and nothing more A quick zoom round a royal bee and that’s your life’s work done They take your booze and fags and kick you out the door So you’ve got to make the most of it while waiting on your turn To be a plaything’s just your lot if you’re a drone They use us and abuse us till they’ve finally had enough They only want our wee bee bodies nothing more So the well-bred bees of Wanlockhead work on from day to day Buzzing round the heather as has always been their way But us poor drone inside the hive just mosey on along With nothing in our future but one hump – and then your gone
9.
The 2 a.m. Fish Supper 2005 Dave Gibb MCPS/PRS We had a little falling out, my loveykins and me Probably about some show to watch on the T.V. As usual she was winning and I thought – enough’s enough So in a very grownup manly way I stormed out in the huff Well I ended up down at the pub and quite before I knew I’d had one pint too many and was really rather fu’ But I hung around till closing time just boozing on my own The barman shouted out last orders so I headed off for home Luigi’s deep fry restaurant was beckoning to me So I stepped inside to see what deep-fried food there was to eat I bought a nice fish supper when a thought flashed through my brain I’m going to get one for my peach-pip so she’ll talk to me again I don’t know why I do it - it’s a mystery is this The things I think will make her happy when I’m absolutely pissed So I made it home and settled down to tuck into my food It was getting cold by this time but still it tasted good But hers had just congealed into a lump of fish and chips I thought – She’s going to be so happy when I wake her up for this I crept upstairs and slowly opened up the bedroom door And the only sound I heard was a contented happy snore I shook her by the shoulders and I burped into her ear Waken up because I’ve brought you home a feast fit for a queen I don’t know why I do it - it’s a mystery is this The things I think will make her happy when I’m absolutely pissed I don’t know what went wrong but, well she wasn’t very pleased She shrieked and then she shouted – Are you aff yer piiggin’ heed She hit my hand quite viscously - I thought a tad unfair Then fish and chips and wrapper tumbled through the bedroom air It’s been weeks since it happened though it’s never talked about But I steer clear of Luigi’s any time I’m going out And although I cleaned the bedroom - even underneath the bed I still find chips behind the wardrobe and I’ll bet there’s more there yet I don’t know why I do it it’s a mystery is this The things I think will make her happy when I’m absolutely pissed
10.
The Bombed Out Bucky Blues 1999 Dave Gibb MCPS/PRS N.B. This is about the wine, not the place (Buckie). The place is nicer. They tell me there are mountains somewhere way up there With bens and glens and kilted men and shepherds everywhere They say that they’ve got heather there of every shade and hue While I’m stuck here in Muirhouse with the bombed out bucky blues The bombed out bucky blues, the bombed out bucky blues I’m stuck down here in Muirhouse with the bombed out bucky blues They took me up there long ago to try their rural ways Their nights crammed full of emptiness and their long dull boring days They drink this stuff called whisky there – an evil tasting brew So I buggered back to Muirhouse and the bombed out bucky blues The bombed out bucky blues, the bombed out bucky blues I buggered back to Muirhouse and the bombed out bucky blues It’s thick and red and sickly sweet what makes me love it so? It clears my tubes and gets to places other wines can’t go It sends me to oblivion with those blinding headaches too It makes me slaver just to think of these bombed out bucky blues The bombed out bucky blues, the bombed out bucky blues It makes me slaver just to think of these bombed out bucky blues And when it hits my stomach man it gives a mighty heave And everything I’ve just poured in decides it wants to leave It hurtles up my gullet and pours down my nostrils too Its not all fun and laughter – these bombed out bucky blues The bombed out bucky blues, the bombed out bucky blues Its not all fun and laughter – these bombed out bucky blues These monks are praised where bucky’s drunk and praised quite rightly too Well I’ve often shouted on their boss with my head rammed down the loo Monastical theology night mean naff all to you But to the monks of Buckfast Abbey it’s the bombed out bucky blues The bombed out bucky blues, the bombed out bucky blues To the monks of Buckfast Abbey it’s the bombed out bucky blues
11.
Cowboy Song 02:52
Cowboy Song 2002 Dave Gibb MCPS/PRS My lady don’t do nothin’ she just sits around all day Watchin’ country music on TV And now I feel neglected cause she disnae want to play Aye, she’ll go down on the bayou but she won’t go down on me And I would like to meet the numpty who told her she could sing Now she’s learning country ditties by the score And I’ll never understand why she sings Don’t Fence Me In When we’re living on the twenty-seventh floor I watch the cowboys round our way as they mosey on down the street With their John Wayne walks they really are a sight They like to think they’re outlaws in the Wild West frontier Then again they come from Stonehouse so it could be that they’re right With his cowboy hat upon his head and his boots upon his feet And his pair of bullhorns nailed above the door He would love to buy a pony if he could fit it in the lift To take it to the twenty-seventh floor I’m sick of kid-on cowboys and their sentimental songs About their horses, dogs and wives and weans and beer They dream of roping doggies and branding all day long I’d like to see them try to rope and brand the cows you get round here With his spurs that jingle jangle and a roll up in his face He nonchalantly leans against the door He would love to buy a cattle ranch if only he’d the space In his wee flat on the twenty-seventh floor
12.
Doggies 01:02
Doggies 2005 Dave Gibb MCPS/PRS The thing about wee doggies are those little pile of jobbies That somehow always seem to end up underneath your shoes They jobby here, they jobby there, they jobby every bloody where You cannot walk along the pavement for the piles of puppy poo Now I don’t know why folk keep them unless it’s just to skin and eat them Like they do in south East Asia where they keep their mutts for food The don’t groom them, they don’t spoil them, they just casserole or boil them And they say you’ve never lived until you’ve tasted puppy stew When they talk about good dog food – they mean Labradors that taste good And I don’t really think it’s up to us to criticise They let their food run round their home then whack! It’s puppy on the bone And when they say they’re going to wok the dog they don’t mean exercise But over here they take them walkies all these owners and their doggies I really find it hard sometimes to say who’s walking who I’m sure you must have seen them with not a lot to choose between them They start to look like one another – some even share the same I.Q. All those different shapes and breeds – the way we’ve bent them to our needs It is never wise to interfere with evolution’s course They say in time I’ll learn to love them but the only way I’d have one Is stir-fried in a bun with lots of HP sauce

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A collection of humerous and comedy songs....well they make me laugh.

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released January 1, 2005

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Dave Gibb Wanlockhead, UK

Left Handed, Balding, Post Menopausal, Songwriting Folky from Scotland’s Highest Village.



A singer of songs and a teller of tales from the hills of Dumfries & Galloway who happily fingerpicks his way through life’s travails.

Songs funny or sad, happy or grim, meaningful or meaningless played fast or slow (sometimes both at the same time)…….He likes a giggle.
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